To Be Wanted - Sexually
As we all know, wanting isn't just about wanting things. It's also about wanting to be loved, to be held, to be emotionally connected, to be touched, to want sex and to be wanted by our partners.
I originally started my research trying to find my "wants" in life; what do I want to DO, HAVE, and GET out of life. But what about wanting a better relationship? Or a better sex life? There is only one person who has the experience, the knowledge, and the ability to explain our deeper wants around our human and animal instinct of sex.
Meet Susan Bratton
Susan is a successful author, speaker, and entrepreneur. Her company, Personal Life Media, is an online publisher of home study courses. She teach lovers how to have more intimacy and passion. Her success alone requires its own post, but today I am talking to her about a more meaningful and personal want - wanting to save her marriage.
"It all started a decade ago. Tim and I had been married for over 10 years. But the fire, passion, and sex had disappeared and we had become plutonic friends."
We have all felt this at some point in a relationship. Susan recalls how Tim had wanted her, but she didn’t want him. When I asked her why not, her answer was simple.
"I wanted to want him, but I didn’t."
Susan didn't want a marriage like this, it wasn't enough for her. She WANTED more. Instead of getting divorced the two decided to get some coaching, marriage counseling, do talk therapy, and participate in sex workshops.
Susan's Mission of Self Discovery
It was during a Tony Robbins workshop where Susan had to physically walk over hot coals while chanting in her mind "cool moss, cool moss, cool moss!!" (I love that visual.) It may sound ridiculous, but she learned first hand that “mind over matter - does matter”.
She explained that if you REALLY WANT to walk over hot coals, “your brain has an incredible amount of resiliency that manages your body. I learned that the mind and body connection is so powerful." That's a huge revelation.
How to Get What You Want in Bed
You don't have to walk over hot coals to have better sex or a better relationship.
During our conversation, Susan talked about many different types of wants and desires. But what struck home for me was this:
“Desire is your life force… your vitality... your zest and appetite for life. Desire fuels your curiosity and creativity. Desire drives your learning of new things. Desire makes you open and aware... taking everything in through all of your senses. Desire is energy.”
I absolutely love this quote because it involves our brain, our physical being, our emotions, our learning, and our soul.
How to get what we want?
"The reason why people don’t get what they want is because...
One, you’re not clear about what you want and two, your partner doesn't understand how to give your wants to you."
Most people give up on their wants and desires. Why bother if I'm not getting what I want. And THAT is an example of a want gap (which will be discussed in the book).
"If everyone spent some time understanding what they want (in your relationships, in your sex lives, in your connections) and HOW you want to be wanted, life can begin to open up and offer it all to you."
You have to understand that your partner values different things than you do in your relationship together. You have different, “relationship values.”
Here's what happened with them.
Tim was doing to her what HE WANTED her to do to him. He would touch Susan all the time for affection and connection, but to her it always FELT LIKE he was grabbing her and hoping it would lead to sex. Once she understood that Tim’s top relationship value was, “passion,” she knew why he was so touchy-feely. He wanted Passion everyday - not just sex - but affection! Once she knew he wanted more affection, and not just sex, it was much easier for her to give that to him.
As well, Tim had to learn how to use the right kind of affectionate touch - a nurturing, a healing, a sensual, or a sexual touch - at the right time and in the right way. It was in these touches that started them on their way to repairing their marriage.
Now that Tim’s touches come from an awareness of where Susan is emotionally in the moment, he can right-size his touches to match her needs. That mutual awareness — his need for affection and her need for a variety of touch techniques — allowed them to spend a lot more time connecting physically in more ways. Instead of just touching to get sex, they hug, snuggle, cuddle, massage, stroke, soothe, and have more passionate play together too.
No Sexual Want Gap Here!
Susan and Tim have had so much success with their relationship, that Susan has now made it her life's work to teach techniques to others so they can experience the power of an intimate relationship. She can help you too overcome an uncomfortable want gap and lead a much more fulfilled life.